December 18, 2012
One Quarter Down…

I’m not entirely sure it has even hit me yet that I have spent the past 3 months living in a completely different state on a completely different side of the country. Nevertheless, the past 3 months have been strange, but good I think. The truth about who you are comes out when faced with the unfamiliar. In a transition like this, every second was a moment of unfamiliar territory. Every day, I woke up with no clue what on Earth I was doing. At first, that was terrifying. I was so confused all the damn time and I felt like I was failing. It was like I was treading water on the brink of drowning at any moment. That was how I felt at first. How does it feel now? Exactly the same.

To anyone reading this that is younger than me, I know you were expecting me to say that I’m starting to get everything under control, but that’s honestly not how it works I don’t think. The fact of the matter is that I STILL wake up each day with NO clue what I’m doing and I STILL feel like I’m a moment away from drowning constantly. But what I’m realizing now is that the feeling of confusion never goes away and the days never get any easier and for me to expect things to get easier is illogical.

When you learn to swim, the threat of drowning never goes away. It’s always there. When you learn to ride a bike, the threat of falling off and skinning your knees doesn’t disappear. Failure and danger are always there as possibilities and the road to success is like walking through a mine field. But that is living. Living never gets any easier; it’s all about the way you handle the feeling of being on the brink of disaster all the time.

The last couple weeks of this first quarter weren’t any easier than the rest of the quarter. If anything, things just got more hectic and confusing. But the difference was that at the end of the quarter, I began to forget about the threat of failing. You find ways to distract yourself from the fact that you don’t have all the answers and learn to focus on taking one step at a time. I focused on the positives I had going for me, the friends I had made, and the memories being created. All of that makes each day worth facing and makes the risk of failing worth taking.

So yeah, each day I wake up and have no clue how I’m gonna get through the day or how things are gonna go, which is terrifying. Each day is just as difficult as the last, but I push through it anyway and remind myself that hiding all the darkness of uncertainty is chance for something good – maybe even something great – and the only way to get there is by living in each moment. That’s the biggest lesson I can take from my first quarter. You can’t just sit and wait for life to get better or easier. You have to live through each and every moment with all you got, hold onto the positives in life, and tackle whatever comes your way as it comes along. Keep your eyes on today because your today dictates your tomorrow.

November 25, 2012

Whenever I listen to Bon Iver, I think of my brother…

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October 11, 2012

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September 18, 2012
Hello East Coast, how lovely it is to be here!

Well, I have arrived in Philadelphia, my new home for the next couple years while I’m in school. Won’t be moving into my dorm until the 20th, but here I am. I’ve actually gotten out of my hometown. This is happening. This is not a game. It’s just a new beginning…

September 1, 2012

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August 25, 2012
When it comes to arguments, I’m much more inclined to listen, observe, and moderate as opposed to picking a side to argue.

Although I do enjoy participating in formal debates because I enjoy the art of persuasion. Plus, I’ve always been good at separating emotion from an argument. However, this has always made having strong opinions very difficult for me because I saw and understood every side of an argument so it seemed irrational to me to choose one as being “correct”. As I grew up, I sort of figured out that I ultimately just had to look at every side and trust in my own decision making ability in order to form my own opinions. Still even though I have learned how to form my own opinions, I hold very few STRONG opinions on anything because I make most of my opinions based on my own logical reasoning rather than emotion and so, I’m always open to hearing new information on topics so I can reformulate my opinions based on the most accurate information I have access to. 

I feel bad that I’m not this super opinionated person, but my brain naturally looks for compromise in most situations. The only thing I’m pretty uncompromising on are my ethics which are based solely on my experiences and emotions…

July 15, 2012
Even though Iron Man is my favorite Avenger, I will always have a major soft spot for scrawny Steve Rogers

Because I know how it feels to want to do so much more than what you’re physically capable of. I know what it’s like to be bigger than your body. And, watching the movie, when he went through the whole transformation from Steve, the kid from Brooklyn, to Captain America, I was so happy for him and maybe even a little envious. Captain America is just one of those superheros that makes you want to be a better person…

July 12, 2012

I’m not perfect nor should I ever expect to be. I have made mistakes and will keep making mistakes. All I can do is make sure I don’t make the same mistakes twice. I can only strive to become the best version of myself.

July 10, 2012
I like to think I’m becoming a better person with each passing day.

I like to think I’m getting farther from the things in my life that hold me back. I like to think that one day I’ll break the hold permanently. I like to think my mind is growing sharper, my body growing stronger, my voice growing louder. I like to think that each day is new battle between my past and my future and I like to think that my future keeps winning. I like to think that there is nothing that can stop me now.

June 18, 2012
Don’t hide what makes you different: a post in which I finally come to terms with my heaviest of baggage

A lot of times, people have a tendency to want to hide their flaws, and idiosyncrasies. We think that we have to hide the things we don’t like about ourselves because we can’t imagine anyone else being able to like them. We think if everyone knows about those traits and qualities that we don’t appreciate about ourselves, then everyone will turn their backs on us, forget about all the good in us and treat us differently. We all have those thoughts, I sure as hell do. 

I was born with a condition called… uh well, I forgot what it’s called and to be honest the name is actually much more grave sounding than it really needs to be. Anyway, it’s a low muscle tone condition and long story short is that my body is noticeably weaker (physically) than it should be. So, I walk slower than most people, can’t really climb a tree, jump very high, etc. 

In high school, I never mentioned my condition to anyone (except like one person). I tried to ignore it simply because I didn’t want anyone to act funny around me. I didn’t want that kind of attention. But I’m starting to realize that by not talking about my condition, I draw more attention to it, which is what I wanted to avoid in the first place. 

No good comes from hiding who you are. And 18 years later, I realize that, like it or not, my condition is a part of who I am. But it’s not the only part. It’s a minor detail in brilliant work of art that is me. 

We’ve all got problems, we’ve all got things about ourselves that we wish we could change, but we can’t. Trying to change those things only adds more stress to yourself. Stress that you don’t need. So, don’t try to change what makes you different, change the way you feel about what makes you different.