I’m not entirely sure it has even hit me yet that I have spent the past 3 months living in a completely different state on a completely different side of the country. Nevertheless, the past 3 months have been strange, but good I think. The truth about who you are comes out when faced with the unfamiliar. In a transition like this, every second was a moment of unfamiliar territory. Every day, I woke up with no clue what on Earth I was doing. At first, that was terrifying. I was so confused all the damn time and I felt like I was failing. It was like I was treading water on the brink of drowning at any moment. That was how I felt at first. How does it feel now? Exactly the same.
To anyone reading this that is younger than me, I know you were expecting me to say that I’m starting to get everything under control, but that’s honestly not how it works I don’t think. The fact of the matter is that I STILL wake up each day with NO clue what I’m doing and I STILL feel like I’m a moment away from drowning constantly. But what I’m realizing now is that the feeling of confusion never goes away and the days never get any easier and for me to expect things to get easier is illogical.
When you learn to swim, the threat of drowning never goes away. It’s always there. When you learn to ride a bike, the threat of falling off and skinning your knees doesn’t disappear. Failure and danger are always there as possibilities and the road to success is like walking through a mine field. But that is living. Living never gets any easier; it’s all about the way you handle the feeling of being on the brink of disaster all the time.
The last couple weeks of this first quarter weren’t any easier than the rest of the quarter. If anything, things just got more hectic and confusing. But the difference was that at the end of the quarter, I began to forget about the threat of failing. You find ways to distract yourself from the fact that you don’t have all the answers and learn to focus on taking one step at a time. I focused on the positives I had going for me, the friends I had made, and the memories being created. All of that makes each day worth facing and makes the risk of failing worth taking.
So yeah, each day I wake up and have no clue how I’m gonna get through the day or how things are gonna go, which is terrifying. Each day is just as difficult as the last, but I push through it anyway and remind myself that hiding all the darkness of uncertainty is chance for something good – maybe even something great – and the only way to get there is by living in each moment. That’s the biggest lesson I can take from my first quarter. You can’t just sit and wait for life to get better or easier. You have to live through each and every moment with all you got, hold onto the positives in life, and tackle whatever comes your way as it comes along. Keep your eyes on today because your today dictates your tomorrow.